An Unforgiveness Story

My "Un-forgiveness of an Institution"

I was right and THEY were wrong. We opened the accounts at two separate banks in Florida because there were branches in Ohio, directly across the street from where we were moving to. Everything was fine. We had our own accounts and a joint account. This way we could transfer money to pay bills and cover checks and expenses as needed yet still have our own spending money. Great!
The bank then was bought out by another larger bank. Soon, I found that my account was to be changed to the new bank system. But not my husbands nor the joint account. The bank across the street from me, remained with the old system as well.

Being a new stay-at-home mom and working here and there as a tutor, I needed to deposit checks on a regular basis. I couldn't do that at the branch across the street. Ridiculous right? What kind of system was this? Their solution? The branch actually had to overnight my checks to a new branch to have them deposited. WTHeck? Really? I have to wait extra days to have the check deposited? Yep. I did.

Not only this, my husband's account and joint accounts were no longer linked to my account. If Greg was out of town, he could not get money to me, and I could not get money from the joint account and into my account without some elaborate scheme.

I was livid. It was ridiculous. I told the story over and over again. I ranted about it in my head. I was RIGHT. Even the bank workers were frustrated and upset by the way the changes were being done, further solidifying my position of me being right and the bank being wrong. I mean, I had done what was necessary to make this smooth transition to Ohio and I had all of this taken care of! I was done. I shouldn't have to do anymore.

After months of relatively minor but irritating frustrations, the bank finally switched over all accounts. But guess what, I had many choices from the beginning. If I could have let go of being right, I could have thought more rationally and creatively about the situation. We could have closed our accounts and opened new ones together at the same bank. I could have closed only my account and opened a new one. If I had not been so stubborn I would have found out earlier that if I just deposit the check at the ATM, the money would register in my account right away because those were the rules of the bank at which I opened my account. This was better than going into the bank to deposit which took days to clear because those were the rules of this branch. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by having the positive attitude and letting it go. But no, I cluttered my mind and spirit with crap and my attachment to being right.

This is what un-forgiveness does. It just hurts us. I haven't hurt the bank in any way. This bank wins in customer service surveys regularly and is doing very well. My anger and resentment hurt only me. It made my life difficult. Even a year later, I held resentment. That's ridiculous. It's taken practice and now I've improved my ability to let go of resentment and frustration. Not perfect, but improved. My heart and mind are definitely the better for it.

The Difference Between Forgiveness & Being a Doormat

We often equate forgiveness with forgetting. Forgiveness is about clearing out the negative emotions you are carrying around about a person or situation.

Remember though, that forgiving someone does not mean that they can continue to engage with you in a negative way. We forgive to regain our own internal balance and power. Addressing a problem, especially one that is reoccuring is part of reclaiming your power just as forgiving the situation is about reclaiming your power. Forgiveness doesn't give the other person a "pass" on their behavior. Instead, it allows you to come to situations with more clarity, grace and strength. We clear our heads and are able to refocus on our own interests and goals.

One of My Stories: I was upset with a co-worker. She was clearly wrong and didn't back me up when we were confronted by our boss. I was really upset. I withdrew. I was angry, I didn't want to speak to her and I decided I wouldn't and would do everything on my own. That year was my worst year. Without support, the job was really difficult. Instead of being realistic and focusing on what I wanted, I focused on being better than her and showing her.
Overall, my vision was cloudy. My heart was tight and I was short with the people around me. I was generally unable to relax. By focusing on my anger, I hurt myself, not her. It would have been much more healthy to speak to her about the situation with the intention of reconciliation and to then make decisions from that point. It didn't mean that I was to allow her to not support me when I needed it and it was warranted. By clearing the air and clearing my heart and anger, I would have been much more able to see my year with clarity and peace. The brain works so much better this way. When we focus on the positive, blood flow is directed to the pre-frontal cortex which is the part of the brain that plans, sees solutions, finds new ways and is creative. By focusing on the negative, I diverted blood flow to the lower reptilian parts of my brain. This made me rush to solutions that were inadequate or just plain wrong.
Forgiveness allows us to release the negative in our lives and clear out a way for more good to come in. It allows the brain to focus on the positive.
Remember, forgiveness clears mental and emotional space which enables us to more easily be our best selves. It's a act of self-interest.

Holding Yourself Back?

Many times we begin to envision what we want. We get excited about it and a smile may come to our face as we contemplate a new state of being.

Then, because we don't see a clear way to achieve that state or goal, we slough off the feeling and settle back in to our present reality. Many times, my clients have given up on their most precious goals because they weren't sure how to achieve success.We discount those feelings as just wishful thinking and enroll ourselves in a life of more of the same.

I say NOW... RIGHT NOW, envision your desire! Feel it, see it, write it down, make a vision board, hire a coach, etc. Remember, you do the world no favors by staying small!

Let the feeling and thought permeate you. Running away from the feelings and thoughts sends your brain and the universe the message that you aren't ready. Feeling the feelings and envisioning the outcomes helps your brain create and find new pathways. Envisioning and feeling your success helps spirit/universal energy align itself to your desires, opening pathways miraculously. Now is the time to install your own new mental and spiritual patterns to get to where you want to be.

Go for it!

For a free report on how to do Visioning,
click here and choose "I'm Interested"

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you love." ~~Rumi

Top 5 Reasons To Forgive

1. Peaceful Heart
2. Better Relationships
3. More Money
4. Get Out of Debt
5. Clearer Mind, Clearer Thinking
   

Top 7 Forgiveness Misconceptions

1. If I forgive, that gives the other person a "pass". Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative feelings you harbor about a person, situation or institution. The other person may still have work to do on themselves. Their work is their business. We don't have to carry it around with us.
   
2. Forgiving means the other person can continue to do negative things to me. Unconditional forgiveness does NOT mean becoming an unconditional doormat. We can release the negative feelings we have about a person or thing and still decide from a place of strength and love to limit the types of interactions we have with them and put in place healthy boundaries.
   
3. They didn't make amends so I can't forgive them. Our own internal forgiveness is NOT dependent on the actions of the other person. Forgiveness is an internal act on our part of releasing negativity
   
4. Not forgiving others affects them and not me. When we harbor negative feelings they sit within us and become our focus. The feelings stagnate and cloud our hearts and minds. It has a major impact on us and on our relationships. One great metaphor is "resentment is like drinking poison in the hopes another will die."
   
5. Forgiveness is about people, not institutions or situations. We often forget that resenting institutions is just as bad as resenting people. Resenting everything the government does or hating the bank only incurs more negative feelings within you. By focusing on those feelings you garner more of the same in your life. Do you want more money? Love the bank and everything they do. Let go of any anger, irritation, ire or resistance. Watch your relationship with money, the government, etc. transform.
   
6. Forgiving yourself is not as important as forgiving others. Forgiving yourself is the ultimate. Many times we think we're mad at others and we're really mad at ourselves. Other times we continuously beat ourselves up for the same patterns or behaviors. Practice forgiveness of yourself to break the cycle.
   
7. Certain offenses are unforgivable. Remember, forgiveness is about what's in us. It's not about the other person. Forgiveness does NOT mean we condone the behavior. It means we release it's hold on our hearts and reclaim our power for a happy and prosperous life.